"How I Survived Elliot Rodger and his Day of Retribution" by Ian Gabrielle Rangel (Edited Transcript)

Good morning my dear friends, this is Ian. The time is about 4:30 a.m. Central Standard Time. Yes, I am awake at this hour. I've been up since after 3:30 a.m. I did get some decent sleep. I got at least 5 to 6 hours of sleep, so I cannot complain at this time. So, just to keep you updated, everything is fine with me; nutritional wise and medical wise. Thank goodness, it's all good from there, but that's not the point. The topic of the video is honoring my late best friend from California who committed suicide as of May 23rd of 2014.

Yesterday marked his six year anniversary of his tragic passing, and now I'm going to discuss how I first met him, and how we just became close friends, the day that he passed, and how I managed to get through and survive the grieving process. So here it is folks. I'm not going to reveal his name due to anonymity reasons and due to privacy reasons. I think that most people who have close friends who died via suicide are entitled to their anonymity and their privacy. I'm not going to reveal his name due to that reason. However, he was a dear good friend of mine—and other shit like that—so here it is folks.

I first met my best friend via Twitter back in November of 2013. I had a Twitter account at the time, and initially, it wasn't a very good first meet-up. We would often have extreme heated exchanges via direct message, tweets, or other shit like that. It got to the point where I had to mute him for a while.

And after a while, I figured—okay well he's left me alone for a little while so I might as well unmute him—so I did, and he got in communication with me; I got in communication with him. We got to know each other a little better, and he says, “You sound like a very interesting person Ian, let me exchange you my phone number.” So he did give me his phone number—his direct cell number in fact—and I remember speaking to him over the phone. He introduced himself to me. We got to know each other a little more, and we became fast friends in an instant.

We had a lot of great memories together, and some bad ones as well. I do know that my late best friend had some serious mental health issues—just like I do—and he was seeing a therapist. However, he refused to be on medication for it due to intense side effects that he was experiencing in the past, which is understandable and...shit, sorry people, this is very difficult to disclose.

I'm sorry if I'm pausing for a brief moment, but he did have serious mental health issues. His Twitter account eventually got suspended because of malicious activity and malicious tweets that he was sending to other people. He was very active on YouTube, posting vlogs of himself, either cruising around his BMW, ranting and venting about how he just wanted to find his true love, and how girls were rejecting him, and how he hated men in general, who were sexually—not only sexually active—pursuing relationships, or were in active relationships. He envied that. All he wanted in his life was to find his true love.

Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, “If he wants to find a woman, then why couldn't he find a woman in me?” Well, let me be honest with you guys. I was not his type to be honest with you, and it is fine because he was not my type as well. He just saw me more as like an older sister—an older sister that he never had. He was the eldest in his family. He came from a very privileged background. He had a younger sister and a younger paternal half-brother. That's all I know about his family demographics. He clearly stated to me that I was not his type, and I said the same thing too, that he was not my type as well. So, we pretty much put each other in the friend zone, but we were very platonic with each other. We were very good platonic friends. It was all good from there. He was a special person in my life, and I mean we would video chat every single day.

I was working at Walmart at the time as an ICS associate. I unloaded trailers for a living and delivered freight to the appropriate departments. Every time I would go on lunch break, I would always take the time to have my smoke break and communicate with him via video chat. We would always do that on a daily basis. On my days off, we would do chat nearly all fucking day to be honest. But, the only time we would not get in touch with each other was when my dad would be back home from his career as a truck driver driving all the way from New York.

He respected the fact that I enjoyed my quality time with my dad, so he stated to me, “If your father ever comes back home, I will not video chat you. I'll just send you a brief message, just to check in on you.” That's what he would do. He has his boundaries, and he had some respect for me. That's what I truly admired about my best friend about at that time. He was willing to let me be just so that I can have my quality time with my father. He knew that it was not every day that I got to see my father.

However, one thing he didn't like [about] me was that I was a little overweight for my age. I had a child from a previous relationship. He didn't like the fact that I was a chain smoker. I still smoke to this day, but I'm gradually weaning off of it. Those were the three things that he did not like about me.

I was a little overweight for my age. He would always encourage me to try to lose the weight by dieting and exercising. In my previous video, I was discussing about my struggles with obesity and how I'm in the process of going through bariatric surgery in the long run. He would always encourage me, and the fact that I had Jason from Raul—who is my forever love—Elliot...that's his name you guys. I'm going to reveal that his name was Elliot. I'm not going to reveal his last name, but his name was Elliot. I just blew it; it just came out of my mouth.

Elliot didn't really like the fact that I was with Raul at that time. He thought that Raul was just someone that was just not meant for me. The fact that I had a child with him was a big disadvantage to him and us pursuing a relationship together. Every time we would video chat—I had the habit of chain-smoking my cigarettes—he would always tell me to go fucking put the cigarette down for his sake. I briefly would just for his sake. He just wanted a clean-cut woman, who does a little bit social drinking every now and then—not too often—who doesn't smoke, who's very nice and petite—and embrace that woman with all his heart.

At the same time I was a little worried about him pursuing a relationship. I'll be honest with you guys. Elliot, may be quite the "Supreme Gentleman," don't get me wrong. I've known him for seven months before he passed away. He is quite the "Supreme Gentleman." I know that he would treat his woman like a queen, but I was worried at the same time. He's known to be very possessive and very jealous. I'm afraid that if he were to pursue a relationship with a very good woman, that possession—that jealousy—will take over him. The relationship will eventually either turn abusive or go down to shit for him. That was the part that made me worry about him the most, and not to mention, Elliot was quite the narcissistic, inconsiderate asshole at times. 

Whenever I would see his YouTube videos...there were some YouTube videos that were pretty fucking awesome: cruising around his BMW, having fun and shooting the shit. There's other videos I just truly disagree with—really bad [ones]. Whenever I would see those types of videos that I strongly disagree with, I would call him out on his bullshit. I would just grab him by the balls and just say it how it is.

Sometimes, Elliot would just tell me to fuck off, or he would just say, “Okay what can I do to change this?” depending on the mood that he was in at the time. Whenever he was in his narcissistic, inconsiderate, asshole bullshit mode, I had to call him out on it. There were times where I would have to yell and scream at him like, “Hey, what the fuck, why the fuck are you posting or venting this shit on YouTube. What the fuck is going on with you? Am I not good enough for you as a dear friend? Am I not good enough for you as a platonic friend?” He would always say, “Yes, you're good enough for me,” and I'm like, “Well then, what the fuck?”

Our platonic friendship was very complicated. He just had a lot of serious mental health issues. He was a very nice person. He had a big heart. He had a big soul. He had a big heart, and a soul of a lion. He was quite the "Supreme Gentleman," but he was also facing his inner demons. He was a narcissistic, inconsiderate asshole. All he really cared about was, “Me me me me me and finding my true love.”

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, “Is this platonic friendship really worth it. Is it really worth having Elliot in my life?” Whenever he would be in his narcissistic, inconsiderate, asshole bullshit mode, I would often feel worthless. Am I not good enough to him? I was his only female friend, and I did my best to try to communicate with him as much as possible. But, I was working a lot of hours at Walmart at the time. Work hours at Walmart were very brutal and very rough for me. Management would treat me like shit. They had me do other duties that were not part of my job requirements.

I did my best to try to communicate with Elliot to the best of my ability whenever I was working on my days off. I was available at all times to him whenever my dad was out of town. 

Excuse me a second you guys, it's just that yesterday was a somewhat rough day because all I was doing was reminiscing the good and the bad memories I had with Elliot in the seven months I got to know him before he tragically passed away.

"Que Triste," how very sad, that's what it means in Spanish. We would discuss topics besides yelling at each other and screaming at each other, whenever he was in his inconsiderate, asshole shit. We would talk about topics like sex, love, and relationships. I tried to give him the best advice I could, and as far as sex, he admired the fact that I was not sexually active at that time. Raul would happen to be in Austin working at Murphy USA on behalf of Walmart as a cashier at the time, and I wasn't with anybody else.

When it came to discussing sex, I tried to offer him the best advice I could. I even told him that I was raped by a close acquaintance of mine whom I once trusted, admired, and counted on back in June of 2013. Elliot helped me cope through the trauma of my sexual assault. He was probably thinking to himself, “Wow, this girl has been through so much in her life.” He knew about my past struggles with addiction, and that I was trying to clean myself up. That’s what he admired about me: I was willing to stay strong for myself.

He was a very good listener. He would always provide me with coping skills. He would always provide me with very great advice. He would always provide me with a lot of resources for me to get help and survive the trauma of being a victim of sexual violence, living with mental health issues, and abstaining from my substance abuse disorders. I truly appreciate that from Elliot, and I would offer him the same advice on sex, relationships, ways to find true love, and socializing a little more.

He was not a very sociable person; he was very introverted for his age. His YouTube videos may disclose otherwise, but if you put him in a social circle, he was very introverted. He had a lot of social anxiety. He would stay quiet most of the time, and probably enjoy a glass of champagne or two, just keep to himself if he was at a social gathering.

But, his YouTube videos, oh, he was not introverted at all. He was very outspoken. Somewhat diplomatic but mostly outspoken. That was Elliot from my perspective. He was the "Supreme Gentleman," but at the same time he was quite the narcissistic and inconsiderate asshole at the same time.

There was this one incident where he was venting to me about him being sexually frustrated, him not finding a woman, and all this other sentimental bullshit that he was going through. I got to the point where I got so frustrated with him that I said, “You know what Elliot, if it were up to me, I would literally fuck the shit out of you,” and he was very shocked and appalled by my response. He's all like, “You would?” And I'm like, “Yeah, I really would. If it were up to me, I would literally fuck the shit out of you.” The fact is that he was handsome. He had good looks. He came from a privileged background. He had money. He had a car. He had his own place with two other roommates and shit, and damn! This dude really had it all man, and he's getting frustrated over sex and not finding his true love? Come on, Elliot. Please.

When I gave him that response, he just said, “You would?” And I said, “Yeah I absolutely would. However, like you mentioned before I am NOT your type, so that option is off the table.” We only exchanged selfies just this one time, and he sent a photo of himself in his BMW. I thought he looked very good in that selfie. That was the only selfie that he ever sent to me.

In return (back when I had my first Twitter account; how I first met Elliot), I sent him a nude photo of myself. At that time, I had piercings all over my body. He responded, “This is actually you?” And I said, “Yes, this is actually me and my whole body.” He says, “You look very good.” And I said, “Thank you.” I'll take that as a compliment.

It's unknown whether he saved that photo or not because he's now since passed, but he was very shocked. He said that this was the first nude picture that he's ever seen from a woman, and that woman happened to be me. That was pretty much our platonic friendship; our profound seven-month history of our platonic friendship.

Now, I'm going to go into how he passed away. I got to warn you this is very graphic. So shut down this video, mute it, turn it off, or do whatever the fuck you want with it. I remember the day that he was tragically taken away from me, and that was on May 23rd, 2014. I was working—I had a shift at Walmart, and I was on my lunch break. It was around 7:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Central Standard Time in Weslaco, Texas (5:00 p.m. to 5:30 p.m. his time in California), and I tried to video chat him, but the video chats were automatically disconnected. They would continue dropping on me. I was getting very worried, “What the fuck is going on and shit? This is not like him. He always responds to my video chats."

That very day he didn't, I blew it off initially, then um…sorry guys. Like I said, "Que Triste," how very sad. I remember the day he passed away…well just to continue the story, I kind of blew it off at first. I figured there was a disconnection either on his part or on my part. I remember it was after midnight my time. It was only an hour before my shift ended, and I happened to go on smoke break once again. This time, I went to the lunchroom—the lunch dining room—and associates were tuning in to breaking news at that time saying that there was a mass shooting that occurred around the Santa Barbara, California area. They mentioned a black BMW, and I remember that black BMW: it happens to be Elliot's car. I initially thought, “Oh shit, Elliot is one of the victims. He has to be one of the victims. Shit, I got to run, I got to leave the shift." So I told Joe, my supervisor, “I'm sorry to bother you Joe, but I have to leave my shift very early. I have a family emergency that I need to attend to.” And so he decided to dismiss me for the rest of the night. 

I went hauling ass straight home, and I remember tuning in to the breaking news on TV. I logged into my dad's laptop for any possible YouTube videos that he may have posted. And that's when I discovered that he was not one of the victims. Instead, he was the assailant.

What truly happened on May 23rd 2014 at 9:27 p.m. Pacific Standard Time, which is Elliot's time, which would mark 11:27 p.m. Central Standard Time in my time. My dear friend—my dear platonic friend—was the alleged assailant of a mass shooting, that resulted in the deaths of six wonderful college students, and seriously injured 14 others. I managed to see the last video that he posted on red—YouTube. He called that YouTube video, “The Day of Retribution.” 

As soon as I got done finishing, viewing that YouTube video, I broke down. I started to cry. I started to shout. I was like, “You motherfucker, how the fuck can you do this to me? How the fuck can you do this to innocent people? Just because of social rejection and sexual jealousy, you had to fucking kill six people and injure 14 others before taking your own damn life?” My dear platonic friend committed suicide through a gunshot wound through his head; a simple fucking gunshot wound just to avoid capture.

Don’t get me wrong folks. I knew the warning signs of his mental health issues. I knew the warning signs of him facing social rejection, social anxiety, and having profound sexual jealousy towards others, but I did not see that shooting coming to me. I didn't think he was going to pull it off but he fucking did.

All I could do was just fucking cry and just grieve, not only for the wonderful six victims that were killed, and for those 14 others, and everyone else that have to now face the most traumatic event of their lives. I grieved for my platonic friend’s suicide. For a long time, I blame myself for, his death. I blame myself for his death. I felt like, the shooting that he committed in California was all my fault—it is my fault—I do hold myself responsible and accountable for Elliot's actions. I do hold myself responsible and accountable for the six college students that lost their lives, the 14 others that were seriously injured, and the rest of the community that were traumatized and impacted by Elliot's malicious actions. For that, I do hold myself responsible and accountable. Why? Because I knew the warning signs, but there was not much I could do for my dear platonic friend at that time.

All I could do was to be there for him, not only as a platonic friend, but it's like he mentioned to me: I'm like an older sister to him; I'm like a mentor to him. All I could do is just be there for him, as an older sister—a sister-like figure—and also be there for him as a mentor. I did the best I could with Elliot, don’t get me wrong. I did the very damn best that I could.

To discuss the grieving process, I immediately went into the denial stage by saying to myself, “Okay he must have been one of the victims of that shooting.” That was my denial stage right there. The anger stage jumped in when I found out that he was the assailant—the sole assailant of that shooting. I managed to skip the bargaining stage because I'm an atheist, and to me there's no such thing as having God or the devil nor an afterlife. There was no such thing as a bargaining stage for me, so I immediately jumped to depression which lasted throughout the next five years, and I finally accepted his death on the fifth anniversary of his suicide.

I remember that fifth anniversary of his suicide. I had my son, Jason, for the weekend. My mom was there, temporarily living with me at that time here in this apartment, along with my brother—my younger brother Gabriel Vaughn. All I could do was think about Elliot. It’s been five years since he's been gone. I had this spiritual feeling that Elliot was by my side and was telling me, “Move on, be happy. Take the weight off of your shoulders, don't worry about me." I could literally feel the weight lifted off of my shoulders on that day, on the fifth anniversary of his tragic passing. I came to terms of his death.

Now, I'll tell you about the pros and the cons of Elliot's atrocities and his eventual tragic passing.

The pros of it is that is that it has made me the better person that I am today, knowing that he doesn't have to struggle with his inner demons anymore, knowing that he's probably in a better place, and I do hope that he is at peace with himself at this time. It's made me the better person that I am today. 

One year after his death, I sought psychiatric treatment for my own medical issues. My psychiatrist and my assigned PA know about Elliot. They all know how I have been through. Even my current trauma therapist knows about him.Thanks to Elliot, his tragic passing encouraged me to get help for myself, for my own mental health issues, for my substance abuse issues. On his behalf, I do advocate for those who are struggling with mental health disorders and substance abuse disorders, or a combination of both, which is also known as a dual diagnosis. I do this in Elliot's honor, my honor.

Now, the cons of it was that two months after the tragic mass shooting and his suicide, I had to quit Walmart. Shortly after his death, I was getting ridden up at Walmart, mostly due to work-related mistakes that I would make because I could not cope with his death at the time. I was chain-smoking a lot of cigarettes. I was drinking on the dock job. I was a functioning hard worker at Walmart at the time, but too bad that high functioning status didn’t last too long. It got to the point where my job performance was deteriorating. I had no choice but to turn in my resignation. I cited due to medical reasons, and an overall dissatisfaction of the job, but in reality, the real reason I quit was because I couldn't cope with Elliot’s death.

For the next five years, things were like a rollercoaster. It was like a carousel inside my head. My head was like a little whirlwind and all this other shit. I mean my mind was just fucking around with me. Just having to live with the shame and guilt of what my platonic friend, Elliot, did, and the dire consequences, as a result of it. That's the main cons of his death.

The pros are that I got the treatment for myself, and I do advocate for others who are living with the same mental health issues and substance abuse issues. Thanks to Elliot—Elliot's death—he really helped me out a lot. He really made me open my eyes and say as if he were telling me right now, “Hey, shit, go get some help.”

So, let me talk to you about yesterday. This is going to conclude this video series. Yesterday, it was overall a good day for me. It was a very damn good day for me. Don't get me wrong, there were times where I had my PTSD flashbacks and triggers, regarding Elliot's atrocities and his death. There were times where I had to cry and shit but at the same time I felt okay. I felt extremely ok about it because I already came to terms on it.

As of last year, May 23rd, or 2019, was when I finally accepted his death. Yesterday was May 23rd, 2020 and happens to be the 6th anniversary, and I feel okay. What I did was that on the app called YouTube music, I created a playlist called, "Elliot's Playlist," which has his all-time favorite song. It's from a band called, “Drowning Pool.” The song is called, “Tear Away.” That was his favorite song, and that happens to be his favorite band, which is, “Drowning Pool,” not with the new—not with the current new singers. He liked the original lineup with Dave Williams at that time, and “Tear Away” is a very good song. It's the perfect description of my Elliot to be honest with you. I mean no wonder why he loved that song so much because it just reminded him—it was the perfect description of him and what he was feeling.

I mean him being the “Supreme Gentleman,” but at the same time being the modern-day Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. That's what we call them back in the day. I would call him the modern day Patrick Bateman. That's what he really was—he was the modern day Patrick Bateman.

On an app called, “YouTube Music,” I created a playlist called, “Elliot's Playlist.” “Tear Away” from “Drowning Pool” happens to be the very first song on there. I also composed a total of 40 songs from various rock and metal artists that I think that Elliot would absolutely love, if he were still around. I created that playlist in honor of him, and I managed to download that playlist, so that playlist is totally saved, and all I could do was just listen to “Drowning Pool” music all day long through my Bluetooth stereo system, just to reflect on the good and the bad memories I had of my Elliot. That’s what I did all day.

Yesterday was all good to me. I remember the day before that he passed. I remember the last words that he said to me. His last words to me was, “See you on the other side, kid.”

And to conclude this, I do have a message for my dear platonic friend, Elliot. Elliot, thank you for being there for me—in the seven months that we got to know each other—it was an absolute pleasure to get to meet you and know you. I have since forgiven you for what you have done, and I will always forgive you, but it does not mean I'm going to ever forget. You may have created a lot of trauma in my life, but—I'm way past it now. I accept it for what it is Elliot…and even if you're not with me, I will always be there for you—no matter what. I will always stand by your side, and I hope that you are at peace with yourself, and you come to terms with everything. I just want to tell you that I love you very much—as a younger brother figure—as my platonic friend—as my best friend—as everything to me. You will be missed, but you will not be forgotten. Yes, what you did was very very wrong. I still grieve for the six students that were killed that very very night. But—but, I miss you buddy, despite what you—despite all this shit you put me throughout the years, I still love you, and I fucking forgive you. Because to never forgive means that you will never be able to move on. I love you very much, Elliot. If there's such a thing as an afterlife, I do hope to see you either sooner or later, when my time comes, whenever it does come. It's just like you said to me—your last words, “See you on the other side, kid.” Well, let me tell you something, Elliot: I'll see you on the other side, kid.

Thank you folks for letting me share this. I sincerely appreciate all of your unconditional love and support. And those of you that are going through the grieving process—whether you lost a parent, a sibling, an aunt, or even a best friend, like how I lost my Elliot—I have some advice for you: Don’t go through the grieving process the hard way like I did. Trust me, it will haunt you. It will eat you alive. Just learn it from my story. It took me five years to eventually accept what Elliot has done and eventually accept his passing. My advice to you guys going through the grieving process right now due to a loss of a loved one is that your loved one would not want you to be sad or whatsoever or to be angry or whatsoever. If you do feel sad and angry, just let it go. Just let it go and be happy and move on, that's what your deceased loved ones would want would want from you guys. If they wronged you at some point just like how my Elliot did wronged me, please forgive them. You don't have to forget all about the situation if you want to, but I strongly suggest that you start the forgiving process because that's the only way you can eventually accept your loved ones passing and be able to move on with life. I thank you guys for your time and patience, much love to you.

Now, it is 5:23 a.m. Central Standard Time here in Weslaco. It’s time to proceed with my day. Thank you very much, and Elliot, like I said, “I'll see you on the other side, kid.” Have a great day folks. Take care of yourselves and each other. If you are grieving, you are not alone. You guys have me. You guys will always have me, just like how my Elliot has me right now. You will always be in my heart—that's all I’ll say for now you guys. Have a great day, bye-bye.

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